In Control
by LittleMaggie
Summary: Hermione is making herself sick.When Harry discovers her secret,how can he prove to her that he cares?In dedication to girls who beat food disorders.


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Title: In Control

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Author: LittleMaggie

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Summary: Hermione is making herself sick. Harry finally discovers her 

secret out, but what can he do to show he really cares? :-) See to find out.

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Date: November 11, 2002

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Disclaimer: This will only be one chapter. I do not own the characters, 

JKR does. The song I used is called "Possesion" by Sarah McLaughlan.

I apologize for any Out of character-ness, this is mostly a tribute to my

Time of struggle with a food disorder and to my friends who still fight it.

And it really did just take one revelation for me to pull out of it… one 

Person to be there and to hold you…

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Hermione stared at her reflection in the bathroom mirror. Her fingers hurt, her eyes stung, her entire body felt as if someone had beaten her hard. Worst of all was the incredible rattling inside herself, the feeling of her heart, panicked and worried for her despite how much she tried to reassure herself mentally. Then her reflection made her think twice about worrying. Those rounded cheeks, as if she were still a child – where were those high cheekbones that men so marveled at in other women? Why didn't her collarbones stick out daintily, as if she were some fairy spirit?

Pressing her fingers up to her cheeks, she could feel the bones, so close to her skin and yet so far. The thin mesh of fat, the despised fat in her body, everywhere and forever to be there unless she acted now. Tracing her fingers down to her stomach, she kept her hand there, counting in her mind. It had been a problem before, her mind liked to be in control. To be able to have something to count. Calories, every ounce of food to enter her body, all those things that most girls didn't have to worry about. They were thin already.

How much could a bagel be? Two hundred calories at most, but then she had to go on and pile that thin net of cream cheese on it. Suddenly she could feel the lurching revulsion spike up in her. She spun around on her heels, her robe flying open as she fell to her knees in front of the toilet. The calories were no more. Just the disgusting burning sensation. No, next time she wouldn't eat lunch at all. Lunch would no longer be an option. From now on, just breakfast. Throwing up was for those that were too weak to resist eating. She would just not eat at all.

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Listen as the wind blows

From across the great divide

Voices trapped in yearning

Memories trapped in time

The days slipped by, the tick-tock of the clock was her only company that evening in the common room. Everyone had gone to Hogsmeade for butter beer and a fun time shopping for candy. She didn't go – she remembered last time she went, she had allowed Ron to pressure her into buying Bertie Bott's Beans, and then they all watched, expecting her to eat them. She couldn't let anyone force her into it anymore. She would have ultimate control.

Hermione's fingers flipped the pages of the book, her lower lip trembling suddenly as the page grew distorted before her very eyes. A single tear pooled on the page, then a second. She was glad nobody was there, to see how weak she was sometimes. It was disgusting – how could she be so embarrassingly hungry? Her stomach growled angrily, but then she reminded herself of the bowl of cereal for breakfast. They had put raisins in it today – if they did it again the next day, she'd have to find a way to pick them without anyone noticing.

How many calories had it been that day? Four hundred, or three hundred? She counted again, her brilliance finally coming in to help her. So then it had to be about three hundred sixty, what with the salad she enjoyed for dinner. She should have not allowed for the Italian Dressing, it was just oil. Disgusting oil, that would build up like fat.

The memory of oil, a slick substance, all over her fingers, under her fingernails, made her get up and go to the bathroom again. There she washed her hands and brushed her teeth, and then washed her hands again, washing away the filthy food. Looking up at her reflection again, her eyes bloodshot and filled with tears, her hair nowhere near as sheen as it was before, Hermione wondered how long it would take before she'd be gorgeous. Cho Chang – she was beautiful, and that was because small as a whisper, light as a leaf. Harry liked Cho, Hermione could tell. He had choked on the ice in his tea that morning when Cho had parted her robes to show her friends her socks that she got for Christmas. It had revealed a slender stretch of leg.

Hermione washed her hands again, and then wiped them dry with a fury she couldn't understand as hers. It wasn't her that was losing control. She was perfectly fine, in control, her life was a schedule, every step and moment of exercise and bite measured and calculated in her mind. She liked the feeling of control, and her goal was solid. Isn't that what dreaming is about? To have a goal?

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The night is my companion

And solitude my guide

Would I spend forever here

And not be satisfied

Two weeks have gone by, Madame Pomfrey requested to see Hermione after classes. She had told her she had lost a lot of weight, she needed to be measured for new robes, because hers were beginning to grow baggy. While Madame Pomfrey asked her if she had been dieting, Hermione silently congratulated herself for a job well done. " I haven't been dieting." Hermione replied. " I've just been more in control."

Madame Pomfrey smiled but looked concerned. " Come to me if anything's on your mind, Miss Granger." Then she had her leave.

Hermione had a lot on her mind, but of course Madame Pomfrey didn't need to know. It didn't matter about the small things, the things she did to get there. She just wanted to have her breathtaking results, and quickly. She felt so proud, so honored to be able to be called thin at last by a teacher, that she realized she didn't need dinner that night. It would be a perfect test of her courage and her success – a small congratulation towards herself. Instead of wasting her time at the dinner table, she'd study and get a perfect grade in Potions.

Staying alone in the dark Common room again, Hermione thought she was all alone. She began to undress, and then stood in front of the mirror, staring at herself. She traced her hand down her stomach to the elastic of her panties. She had always wanted to feel a smoothness there, and she had it. But then she was horrified to see that there was no space between the elastic of her panties and her stomach. There had be a slight curve inwards there, so that the elastic left a thin little space.

Humiliated again, she pulled on the shirt of her pajamas, and readied to put on her pants as well, when she heard someone exclaim from behind her: " Hermione?"

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And I would be the one

To hold you down

Kiss you so hard

I'll take your breath away

And after that I'd

Wipe away the tears

Just close your eyes dear

She yanked on her pants over her panties quickly, her face flushed. Harry was right there, he had seen how fat her legs were, how disgusting she looked, and how Cho's slender calves and gorgeous glowing skin was nothing like hers. Her eyes wouldn't meet Harry's, instead she stared at his hands. He was holding his books – he must have come up here to put them away so he could go practice some Quidditch.

" Hermione, what _happened_? Have - - have you been sick?" Harry whispered.

Hermione scrambled frantically so that she had her baggy bath robe around herself as well. "Harry!" She hissed furiously. " You should have knocked. You … you should have…" Tears were spilling down her cheeks.

He took a step backwards, looking bewildered. " You're – so _thin_."

Immediately, she felt her heart flutter in amusement. He was trying to compliment her, trying to make her feel as if she was perfect. Good friends were supposed to do that, to tell you your body was fine and that you looked sexy, even if you looked horrid. She had often told Lavender she looked nice, or Parvati that her dress was pretty, even if she didn't mean it. She knew Cho was thinner than her, and therefore Hermione was uglier, dirtier.

" Why are you smiling?" Harry exclaimed. " You look really sick." His face didn't look as if he were paying her a compliment. He looked concerned, even more so than Madame Pomfrey. " Is that why you've been skipping out on meals?"

Hermione lifted her chin, trying to feel proud, but she didn't know what to say. Harry must not have taken a very good look. She wasn't all right, there was nothing thin about her. She could still pinch her thigh and feel the fat under her skin.

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Through this world I've stumbled

So many times betrayed

Trying to find an honest word to find

The truth enslaved

Hermione looked down at her feet angrily. " I'm _not_ too thin. In fact, I'm still too fat. I'm not sick either."

" You've been _dieting _then?" Harry's voice rose angrily. " Hermione, what did you do to yourself?"

" What do you mean? Are you saying I'm _still_ ugly? Maybe uglier?" Hermione gasped out, tears straining her voice. " Cho's thinner than me. Don't you give me that look - I know you fancy her!"

" Yes, but Cho's muscular, she does sports, Hermi – you're just emaciated."

Hermione felt her stomach lurch angrily inside of her. So was it all for nothing? Harry wasn't impressed with her, even after all she'd done. Of course, she hadn't done it just for Harry. She had just wanted to feel in control, to feel as if she was desirable at least to one person – even if it was herself, and her own mind.

" I'm not sick." She whispered.

He walked up to her. " I had no idea. If I knew, I'd have told someone. _Why_, Hermione? Why did you do this to yourself? I can't even begin to understand…"

" You said so yourself." Hermione hissed, suddenly.

" What?" Harry looked up, his green eyes locking with hers.

" You called me Hermi the Elephant. You and Ron, two months ago. I ate two sweet rolls, and then I saw you both staring at Cho."

" _Oh, God_…" Harry's voice was hoarse.

" So then Ron said how - - how _hot_ Cho looked - - and then you saw me with a bun in my hand and Ron laughed." Hermione's voice cracked. " Then you both ate some rolls and he said that I'm his cute little Hermi the Elephant."

" We were_ kidding_! I had no idea you'd take it to heart…"

" That's what I am, though, isn't it?" She shouted. " Hermione the elephant?"

" No! Of course not! We weren't even saying it in a mean way. You know, how elephants are smart and reliable - - and then you were sort of chubby, but it was really cute, and…" Harry suddenly hugged her, ranting: " I can't believe you took it to heart like that. I wish I could just go back and erase that entire day, if I could."

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Oh you speak to me in riddles and

You speak to me in rhymes

My body aches to breathe your breathe

You words keep me alive

She pulled away, staring at him. " You mean you didn't think I was fat?"

" I never thought you were fat." He told her. " In fact, you were really pretty. Different too. You never cared about stuff like the way you looked and your makeup…"

" So basically I was a tomboy." Hermione moaned.

" No, it was really attractive!"

" And yet you had a crush on Cho, the thin little princess?" Hermione shot back.

Harry rubbed his temples. " Lord, Hermione, boys are just stupid sometimes. We say stuff we don't mean. Don't tell me you never thought Malfoy was handsome, even though he is a total snot."

Hermione remembered how the Gryffindor girls had all stayed up late at night and compared boys and decided Draco was tops in a lot of ways, from his eyes to his body to his hair. Hermione didn't ever see herself as shallow because of it, though. It was more of a joking sort of statement. Sort of as how Harry and Ron joked about her being an Elephant, then?

Hermione couldn't help but laugh. " Well…"

" And come on, Neville's not exactly skinny, but Susan Bones has the biggest crush on him." Harry pointed out.

Hermione was beginning to blush. " But - - who was a crush on me?"

Harry dodged the question by saying: " Someone does, believe me."

" Who?" She demanded. " Or I'll tell McGonagall that you were spying on me when I was changing."

Harry rolled his eyes and then looked embarrassed. " I've always been a silent admirer, Hermione."

Her heart thudded to a stop for a second. Then everything seemed so ridiculous to her. If Harry had admired her for so long, why hadn't she just told him how she felt? She spent such a long time torturing herself, in mind and body, when she could have solved everything just by telling Harry the truth. She wasn't in control at all, not even for a second, for this entire time.

All that was left was fear – fear and anger at herself, and a worry about how it would look like now, if she tried to eat meals again. Perhaps other people had noticed her absence. Perhaps people had rumored about her already.

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Into this night I wander

It's morning that I dread

Another day of knowing of

The path I fear to tread

" Harry, do you really mean it?" Hermione burbled, crying hard now.

" I really do." He replied, and then looked really embarrassed. " I wish I told you before. I was just really scared, I mean… I'm all skin and bones, and most of my weight's in my hair…"

She started to laugh. " You were always really cute to me."

He hugged her. " You were always really cute to me too."

He held her closely, and then kissed her, their lips just barely brushing together, in what was their first (and shiest) kiss. Then she whispered: " I feel like an idiot now."

" Well, first things first, we're gonna go visit Hogsmeade next week, so be my date?"

" Sure."

" Two butter beers minimum, okay?" He threatened.

" Alright." She replied. " What's for dinner today?" She had battled and won after all, her dream was so close to hand. All this time that she thought she was in control, she had actually been spinning away from her goal.

" I think it's pork chops." Harry mused, and then kissed her forehead.

" I'm looking forwards to it, then."

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Oh into the sea of waking dreams

I follow in with pride

'Cause nothing stands between us here

And I won't be denied

Author's note: Pardon any spelling errors. This has not been Beta Read. It really just takes one comment to make someone sick like this, I know from personal experience. It also takes just one person to help to get out of it. And it will still be a long struggle for Hermione to deal with it and accept it…


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